# Open to either is not a plan

Ask a room of single people who are actually dating what they are looking for, and the most common answer is not "a relationship" or "something casual." It is "I'm open."

That is what Pew Research Center found when it asked. In a [survey of 4,860 US adults](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-half-of-u-s-adults-say-dating-has-gotten-harder-for-most-people-in-the-last-10-years/) in October 2019, about half of single Americans said they were not looking for dates or a relationship at all. Among the singles who were looking, [a little more than half said they were open to either](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/). Fewer than three in 10 wanted only a relationship, and about one in five wanted only something casual.

## Two people, both open

"Open to either" sounds flexible, and for some people it is honest. You do not know yet, and you would rather meet someone than rule them out.

It gets harder when both people on a date give that answer. Each person reads the other's openness as a match for whatever they were privately hoping for. One is hoping it turns into something. The other is enjoying it for what it is. Nobody lied, and both of them are surprised three months later, in the kind of arrangement we wrote about in [situationships](/blog/situationships-commitment-without-a-label).

The split is not even across groups, either. Among the singles who were looking, women were [more likely than men to want only a committed relationship](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/). Daters 40 and older were more likely than younger daters to want only something casual. So the odds that your "open" and their "open" mean the same thing depend on who you are and who you are talking to.

:::pullquote
"Open to either" is a fine place to start and a costly place to stay.
:::

## What a dating app does with a vague answer

Many apps let you leave this question blank or pick a soft middle option, and there is a reason. A vague profile matches with more people, and more matches feel like progress. The app gets a busier inbox either way.

What it does not get you is a shorter path to the person who wants what you want. Every match with someone looking for something else is a week of messages, a drink, maybe three dates, before the question gets asked out loud. It is the same logic as [your dealbreakers do more work than your wish list](/blog/your-dealbreakers-do-more-work-than-your-wish-list): the one thing that would end it is worth knowing first.

## Picking an answer you can change

Deciding what you want does not mean deciding forever. It means picking the answer that is true this month and saying it where the other person can see it.

If you want a relationship, say so in your profile and on the first date. It will cost you some matches with people who wanted something lighter, and those are matches that would have ended anyway. If you want something casual, say that, and you will spend less time explaining later. If you truly do not know, say that too, and add what would tip you one way.

Then ask the other person the same question early, in plain words. "What are you hoping this turns into?" is a normal question on a second date. A clear answer, even one you did not want, gives you your evening back.

## What this does not show

Pew asked people what they were looking for at a single point in 2019, before the pandemic, and it surveyed US adults, not app users in particular. It did not follow anyone to see whether "open" daters ended up in mismatched pairings, so the cost described above is our reading, not something the survey measured. People's answers also change, and a survey cannot tell you what any one person on your screen means by theirs.