# Who pays on a first date, and what the check is really asking

The check lands on the table and both of you look at it a beat too long. Reach for it, and you might seem old-fashioned. Do not reach, and you might seem cheap. Either way, the other person is reading something into it.

They are, and a large survey shows how differently people read the same move.

## The survey

Janet Lever, David Frederick, and Rosanna Hertz analyzed answers from 17,067 unmarried heterosexual adults, ages 18 to 65, who took a money, sex, and love survey on a major news website. They published the results in 2015 as [Who pays for dates?](https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244015613107), and the full paper is free to read.

## Most men still pay

Even after dating someone for a while, [most men said they still paid for most of the expenses](https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244015613107), and a majority of women agreed. Most men also said they felt guilty when they did not pay, and that held across age, income, and education.

Yet most men also said women should start helping pay after the first few dates. And nearly half of the men said they would stop dating a woman who never offered to pay at all. The authors called that their single most surprising finding. A man who leaves for that reason is unlikely to say why, so the woman is left guessing.

## Women are split down the middle

A majority of women said they always offer to help pay, even on a first date. What they want to happen next varies. Some said it bothers them when a man accepts the offer. A similar share said it bothers them when a man refuses their money. In the women's own words, a man who always paid read to some as a sign he thought they were worth it, and to others as controlling.

So the offer itself means different things. For one person it is a polite gesture that should be turned down. For another it is a real offer, and turning it down says you do not see them as an equal.

:::pullquote
The same reach for the check can read as generous to one person and controlling to the next.
:::

## What to do when the check comes

The study suggests guessing is the risky part, because there is no single script both people are following. So say it out loud.

On a first date, the person who did the asking can offer to cover it without making a speech about it. If the other person offers to split, ask which they would prefer. If you are the one offering, mean it, and do not test the other person with an offer you hope they refuse.

After a few dates, talk about it once, outside the restaurant. "Do you want to take turns, or split?" is an easy question when no check is waiting. In the survey, about a quarter of people in relationships of six months or longer said they started sharing right from the start. Settling it early takes the question off the table for every date after.

Pay attention to how the other person handles it, more than to who pays. Someone who keeps score, or who reminds you of what they spent, may be showing you something about how they will handle money later. Someone who is relaxed about it either way may be showing you that too.

## What this does not show

The survey ran in 2008, and the people who answered chose to take it on a news site, so they are not a representative sample of US daters. It covered only heterosexual daters, so it says nothing about how same-sex couples handle the check. People reported their own habits and feelings, with no way to check what they did at the table, and norms may have shifted since.